When a person is healthy he exudes confidence and there's a certain glow about them. When a person is Ill you can see it in their eyes.
I think when a person gets really ill or gravely I'll, dementia starts to set in. This is where that phrase comes in (a healthy body means a healthy mind). I don't think I really agree with it for a number of reasons.
When a person is sick he's often told to stay positive or have a positive mindset in order to survive. Which makes me wonder about a few things that happened to me.
As an HIV positive individual I tried to live a healthy and positive lifestyle. I had a very positive attitude. Even when my viral load was so high writing it down was like writing a cellphone number. I kept a positive attitude. At times when things seemed to get better they actually got worse. When my viral load was coming down my body came up with something to take me back to square one. I didn't know if my mind was doing its own thing or the HIV being vindictive. I would often wonder how this is happening when I've been taking my ARTs as I'm supposed to. I didn't expect this to happen to me as I kept a positive mindset in the midst of everything. Even when strange things happened to my body. I kept a positive mindset. Even when doctors didn't really know what to tell me. I kept a positive mindset. Don't get me wrong there were days where I thought the electric chair would've been a walk in the park compared to what I was going through. I kept a positive mindset even when doctors told me they don't know how I survived or what they did right to treat what I had. I kept a positive mindset even when my body looked healthy but I was going through terrible pain.
People came to reassure me that things will be okay. I didn't believe. How do they know when they haven't the slightest idea what I was going through. How was I supposed to communicate how I felt when I didn't even know how I was feeling? No amount of therapy nor medication could help me come to terms with what I was going through. Even through all this I kept a positive mindset. I developed a high tolerance for pain, I trained myself to numb the physical pain. The emotional pain was a totally different ball game. I often wondered if my body was humiliating me or the HIV showing me that it can't be beaten, undetectable viral load or not. I kept a positive mindset even when I had to have a colostomy bag. At this moment I thought things can't get any worse than this but guess what, they did. I soon learned to get over it.
This often left me wondering why, until I decided enough is enough. I'm not going to play these games with myself anymore. I kept a positive mindset even when I was at war with myself. I kept a positive attitude.
Then the unthinkable happened. My positive mindset paid off. I got better and really better so better that I didn't believe that I had recovered. My feelings changed from positive to acceptance to happy. I was happy actually I don't know whether it was happiness or relief.
It's only now I fully understand what people mean when they talk about emotional scars. I have plenty. Everything that happened to me might have been related to the HIV but I didn't let it dictate how my life would turn out. Today my viral load is undetectable. (from cellphone number to two digits)
I proved to myself that a healthy mind means a healthy body.
According to me that is